Crossroads

(watching 1000 Ways to Die & Breaking Bad currently; bird flu on one channel, meth labs and murder on another) I love my niece. Saw my sister give birth to her and lived through every minute of it in the room right next too her. ESPN was on, so I was about to rock wit it. She came out without a peep...dry as a bone...her hair swooped like she'd been looking at her reflection off the placenta the whole time. Completely blew my mind from what I expected. ------- I'm not in the business of leading the ones I care about and love the most astray. I cannot afford to not have that person (in general) out of my life for whatever reason and I will work to keep them a major part of my life...to what extent varies from person to person, but generally speaking... *Pause for the cause...Christoph Waltz is on Charlie Rose -- DOPE* All things considered, I don't mind the sacrifice, but I do care about reciprocation. I refuse to explain it. If you have to wonder about it...don't. I know what my problem is but...I struggle with actually classifying it as the problem it is versus the option it serves. Options and choices are the meat & potatoes of life. Its why you choose to take showers before going on a date...why instead of purchasing raw meat to devour in its current state, we cook it through. Decisions, built on the foundation of options and choices weighed on a scale of the mind. For the things and people I want, the choice to do what is right to maintain and/or establish those relationships IS a no-brainer...but if it aint in your heart to do it, you're better off sticking to your guns and hoping for the best...expecting the worst (if we keepin it 100)...and accepting fate. I aint bout that life. If you're reading this and facing this dilemma (as I continue to consume my own medicine) trust that your outcome is indeed what you want and pursue it relentlessly, not expecting things to go the way you want them to, but knowing that you'll be satisfied with the decision(s) you made to reach your goal. Of course...the actual "goals" vary from person to person...from situation to situation. ------- While I do love my niece...I find myself wondering what would my life be like had the outcome of my decisions came into fruition. At the same time I am aware that there is a plan for my life that does not include children at this time. We are growing adults and knowing this is a bit of a liberation from what society accepts from us. Our lives should mirror our goals not what the world deems acceptable to attain and detest. I tip my hat to my sister for raising my niece up to who she is, as well as her Dad (if not him more than her anyway)...but I will cross the road once my decisions begin to build up consistently towards my ultimate goal(s). Integrity and follow-through... Let your yeas be your yeas; your nays your nays. This is mad incomplete by the way, So much that needs to be said.

Learning Process

Airplane mode for this one. Ok so, you know back in middle & high school where you had to write up this big report at the end of the marking period or semester that tasked you with summarizing a list or culmination of things learned during a given time...here it goes. As stated previously, I was gone for a minute...in less than a year, I've been a mountain of emotions and feelings I wish I hadn't felt. I'd say that's accurate for about half the time from the time of my last post until now. I do a good job of suppressing things, and there's a difference between being humble and simply accepting the garbage in life that's thrown at you. I struggle with that. It's probably self-inflicted...have you ever kept trying your hand at something you already told yourself you couldn't do, but were too stubborn to accept it? Or maybe you accepted it and in your judgement, stopped trying? Both apply to me. Yet as the trash accumulates around you, it can all be recycled and reused for the greater good in life. I'm still collecting trash. It's piled up to the ceiling...and I can't seem to figure out what day the garbage man comes around to collect. Remember how the teacher would ask the class who'd like to volunteer first?? And as if it were rehearsed, the class threw their heads up as if to be so intrigued by every dust particle that circled their desks...being on pins & needles as you sat anxiously waiting for the teacher not to call your name in gut-wrenching fear.......only for the laws of attraction to tip the scale in your favor. And as you walk that green mile to the front of the class you sense every eye in the room burning holes into your stomach and chest. Palms begin to sweat, hair unravels, gum loses flavor and cottonmouth ensues...Light-headed and straining for air, you enter the point of no return...and as if to be sitting in your proverbial electric chair, the teacher asks "Well, what have you learned??"... A few things actually. With your back against the wall, what other choice do you have other than to push forward? You make a way...Figuring out life on your own is a crap-shoot, and brings more pain & suffering than bliss...Turning trash into treasure is a gift and if you've got that gift, you share it...Humble pie can be eaten (and shared) fried, baked, old & molding, with mushrooms, as a side with your 2-piece dark, and you don't need utensils to savor it...swallowing your pride is like trying to grip a blade of a knife, if your pride is your strength...your real friends don't nee or use Twitter to find ways to be involved in your life...hindsight aint hindsight if you choose to keep going around in the same circle, it just becomes your life...please everyone, lose everyone...you can't quit being in your own way if you don't know which way to go before anything else...life self-corrects it's people but it doesn't always forgive them; sometimes you've got to start over from the bottom to appreciate your climb to the top...struggle builds character, faith moves mountains, and your actions manifest your destiny -- let your ultimate goals water the roots of your success, let your actions be the outstretched branches of progression, and your fruits be used to nourish your fellow man. And life for me aint been no crystal stair.

Out of the Night.

The feeling you get when you reunite with a friend you haven't seen since rec league... Similar to finding an old photo from your childhood stashed in a shoebox...nostalgia... That feeling is currently percolating through my veins and I am at peace, writing this. I don't have a reason as to why I took a near year-long hiatus, but my return was eminent. Plenty of times I thought of coming back...I wrestled with it...I probably just lost motivation to do it quite honestly...life is pretty queer. Lessons are just as often force-fed as they are willingly attained, but you can't stop. I'm learning that the hard way daily. theWACKNESS shall be my outlet, and will serve as a window into my soul for the masses. Hopefully this will become even more a habit for me as a substitute for other dead-end hobbies, and even for more than my own selfish benefit, someone out there will feel what I feel genuinely. Instrumental it out for yall...no songs coming to mind, only strings, drum kicks an what not. Indulge. Who wrote Invictus anyway? Somebody grab that man a cold brewski.