Self-Loathing

Man I wish I had the time to express my disdain for my own folk. I don't even know where to start. But with all of the bullshit surrounding the collective lives of African-Americans, you'd think our time would be constructively consumed with empowering others, solution seeking and troubleshooting issues that continue to plagues our people...BEFORE I CONTINUE, im probably guilty too of having my priorities selfishly all over the place while my brothers-in-arms are gunned down in the street for less than nothing...so forgive me...and crazy enough, i think thats part of the reason why I dont indulge in typical negro activity. its not uppity. its just that. i desire perspective. i really wanna know how life is on the other side of the fence; to live in a world where worry is an anomaly...i hate sounding like the angry black guy, especially the angry black guy that continues to close my eyes and hope for a better tomorrow, but i cant help it. truth is, im guilty of having all of the answers and not dedicating the thought to any positive action. the solution is way bigger than any salary or education can provide...and it bothers me that in 2015 we continue to set ourselves back and allow the influence of defective outsiders (those that cannot relate to the black experience due to overwhelming ignorance and refuse to seek perspective) to force us to react instead of being proactive. good grief. its way too late for me to be tryna be so deep. my next post will focus more on amber rose twerk videos and upcoming sneaker release dates, promise.

Fluff

I love it here in Houston. My time spent here so far has provided some of the best moments of my life and has also dilvuged equally the amount of pain & suffering. For all it's worth, I wouldn't trade or change ANYTHING. I've maintained employment. I've been categorically homeless. I've been able to mature tremendously...and that came by force, sadly enough. My time here has been a perfect storm of highs and lows. And I appreciate that, greatly. Shifting gears, one thing I was not ready for was how real it is out here. The things you see on First 48 being played out in the comfort of your suburban-DC loft really, really happens. I've seen a murder happen before my eyes -- literally watched a man walk up to a car and fire three shots into the passenger window, killing whoever was riding shotgun (too soon, I apologize). I witnessed a car slam into an 18-wheeler. I've been caught in the middle of a flash-flood. I once saw a man taking a shit in the grass at a bus stop on the "good" side of town. I saw a crackhead OD. Needless to say, I find "Nightcrawler" to be THAT much more intriguing. One of the more less-than-stellar (to say the absolute least) events that has occurred was...well, I'll paint the picture. My gf/fiance/heart/moon&stars/mushymushymushytitlehere, who I often get fed up with for her emotional outbursts among other things that you endure in the name of love, was held at gunpoint at her place of employment. Picture Park Place (in Norfolk) with the land area of... And I sit here writing this, my gf is at work. and has just got robbed. again. the rage i am feeling is unreal.

Road to Damascus Moment for the Defectors

I'll get back to this in a later post (currently occupied by the NBA & NHL Playoffs)... But think of the unassuming, fair, logical and understanding white folk who have to hear and witness stories of police brutality and what not...just sitting in front of their TVs like "DUDE CMONNNNNN!!!!! YOU'RE FUCKING IT UP FOR THE REST OF US!!!!" A piece of my heart goes out to this concentrated population of White America. As for the defectors of the white race...the champions of bias...the trash juice of our society...*deep sigh*...I have to forgive you. And I do. But man oh man, I am wishing a plague on all of your houses. And this isn't exclusively for the scumbag police officers that struggle with their own shortcomings and who were probably bullied in school (shoutout to the "honorable" Ellen Jones...fucking twat), but for any Caucasian, Middle-Eastern, Asian, Hispanic, and African (yes African...some of them act like they're not BLACK living in AMERICA *newsflash*) individuals parading around dismissing the fact that America is as powerful as it is self-loathing, discriminating against taxpaying, law abiding, reality show loving citizens who pose no direct threat to you. If you cannot take a whiff of the air and accept the fact that American continues evolve into a mixed bag of races, beliefs, culture and races (oh I said that already), then do us all a favor and dont kill yourself, but get really close to that breaking point. Please...? Today marks the 21st anniversary of the greatest album hip-hop has ever seen...and the times are still ILLmatic.

On Edge

"But why you all washing watch him He gone make it into a Benz out of that Datsun He got that ambition, baby, look in his eyes This week he mopping floors next week it's the fries" The realization hit me and it's been a constant needle-jab in my arm ever since. First off, I am a huge Kanye fan. His rise to the entertainment plateau has been a journey I have thoroughly enjoyed. While the barbs he continues to shoot at the majority of his fanbase continues to reverberate and bounce off the walls of my skull like a game of ping pong (Re: skits on College Dropout, Late Registration, countless lyrics and songs), I am able to see the humor in my own pain and suffering. You see, I have hit an unbreakable wall and over the last few months I have come to the paralyzing realization that not only is my life being unfairly wagered for the appeasement of people whom I'll never meet (CEOs and such), my life is steadily passing by. Just yesterday (in m mind of course), I was 23 years old; wet behind the ears, thirsty for independence and eager for whatever corporate America had to offer. Fast forward 24 hours and a bowl of couscous later and here I am...28...28 and trying to find a way out of the cycle. They say if you have talent that you should pursue it...and in my mind, I'm a musician, a decent writer, an avid thespian and recently retired athlete who still enjoys a good rec center run to 16 by 1s and 2s. However, what pays my bills is an occupation that forces me to act outside of my personality and completely opposite of every bit of dignity I stand for; I kiss ass, I put on fronts for people I wouldn't share a pencil with and I form these fake relationships with people in the name of a dollar that goes to the bottomline of a COO in Philadelphia that spends his time tracking my hotel and the rest of his properties from an iPad. Dont get me wrong, I admire the climb-to-the-top scenario just as much as any other red-blooded, blue-collared American, but I am finding out that the path to this freedom is growing more and more unattainable. Studies have shown that if you work full-time and earn less than $80K annually then you are a part of the shrinking middle-class, which in itself has several residual affects: budgeting for the essentials, opting to wait for pay day to go out on a date versus being responsible and making it a netflix & tuna night, shopping for seasonal & trendy attire or settling for the clearance rack in Gap & Old Navy...I mean, unless you've been humbled and your pride doesn't haunt you to know that you cannot comfortably enjoy the luxury of financial and social freedom, you're probably content with this and able to see the bigger picture. Well, I for one can see it clearly, but that doesn't mean I am content and satisfied with the present day. I come from a hardworking, 9-to-5, church-going background and I see nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that it creates a life routine that I am unwilling to submit to this early in my life. Routines...the gerbil wheels that never stops spinning...it all sends chills down my spine. Conformity is prison. I'm blowing big smoke though...as we speak, i just applied to an internship with the Houston Texans and Rockets and received word of an application I submitted over the weekend that is being reviewed...It's not that I don't like to work, but if I have to trad 40+ hours a week of my life for a dollar, I want to enjoy the work I am doing and this, I am unwilling to compromise. I appreciate meaningful work even if it means sacrificing temporary financial gain, especially if it means i can effectively network and gain experience that I can directly and immediately apply across a myriad of occupations...but work for the sake of maintaining the current status quo is slowly driving me mad. I just want my time and the freedom that comes with it.

Starting Over

I don't remember exactly where I was in life at the time of my last post, but I assure you that I have drastically changed. I can tell you for a fact that my life was spiraling downward and quite honestly, up until a few months ago, life was very murky for me; very gray and vast like standing on the beach trying to take in the enormity of an ocean's coastline, not knowing what was on the other side. In all of the confusion and the maddening insecurity of life that suffocated me, I've loved every minute of it. Call it having a high threshold for pain & suffering. In life, there's always victory in defeat if you're able to look yourself in the mirror and accept the right and wrong of your day-to-day and maintain your integrity. In my lowest of points while living here in Houston, I felt reborn. In the middle of my dismay and uncertainty I've never felt so alive. Houston will do that to you; you've really got no choice but to find your way, or be swept away by the life's unpredictable current into obscurity. The life I live now was not made without experiencing the pressure of making the right and wrong decisions (and living with them daily), but in each instance I was taught valuable lessons that I otherwise would've never experienced in the mundane comfort of Hampton Roads, Virginia. Perspective is as valuable in life as a professional certification or a diploma. It allows for you to gain insight while reflecting on the eminent possibility of your own destiny based on calculated risks and actions taken. I've added unquestionable mettle and value to my life and I will continue creating my masterpiece. I am motivated by the tragedies of Mike Brown and Eric Garner just as much as I can feel the fire from the flames of misfortune I have created and have since put out...not to compare my shortcomings to deaths fueled by hate, but I use the totality of the aforementioned occurrences as learning points. In other words, the homework I assign myself doesn't have a due date or grade, but ultimately reflects in the outcomes in my life that I can manipulate. What I was able to embrace and discover was that I was comfortable in my own unfamiliarity. I hated the comfort of the same, aimless routine the being home offered and the change of pace I sought, the responsibility that came with that adjustment is exactly what I needed. The impromptu transition from a melancholy hometown robot to the new kid in the classroom was Vincent Vega jabbing the adrenaline needle into my heart, waking me up out of my coma and thrusting me into a brave new world.