Untitled. No cliche.

I have discovered that the best time for me to write is when everyone else (majority, at least) is sleep or not paying attention. I, too, should be sleep...but I haven't had a decent sleep pattern since Fall 2006.

(I'm kinda fishin' as to what to write about so I'll just let my mind wander)

We are all robots.
We all conform, and are prisoners of perpetual barriers that we allowed society to build in our minds.

It bothers me how much we are tied into our technology as a means of steady communication and contact..........and I don't think you can really call it "contact" in the physical sense of the word. I miss the heart-pounding nervousness of building up the courage to verbally express your interest in another, and the relief that immediately followed once you were able to shake the monkey off your back. There's a certain thrill of face-to-face interpersonal communication that cannot be duplicated or replaced by way of t9-texting, swiping, BBM'ing, Kik, yadda yadda an any other form of mechanized verbiage. Our world is shrinking along with are intuitiveness and will to be free thinkers.

I am not pointing the finger...I am guilty, also. And I've got to do better.

I am quite certain that I am ahead of my time in many aspects, in comparison to my peers...and while I indulge in the techno-frenzied age of latest trends and quirky devices, I'd like to think that certain things should be kept real and genuine. I keep going back to this, but I feel the need to get this out...I'm the courtin' type. I wanna meet your folks. I wanna date you. Get to know you. I don't like shortcuts, favors, or being spoon-fed. Conversely, I don't have a type, Beyonce-prototypical girls scare me, and I'm kind of shy. This is the tip of my massive iceberg. If you thought you were gonna get all of me in a blogpost, you have better luck selling blocks of ice to an Inuit. But I believe that is the point I'm trying to make...and I am guilty of being a hypocrite, as I continue to write.

(I know I'm not the only one who has tried to get the full scoop on a person of interest through Facebook)

I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's more than having to deal with relationships among one another, at least for me. I enjoy getting to know people, but I am slightly introverted. I don't care for large crowds, but I love open forums. I like one-on-one face time (if you read that and your mind was in the gutter, kill yourself, slowly)...I enjoy the randomness of a spontaneous conversation, I thrive off of awkwardness and I tend to gravitate towards the elephant in the room (trolls not included -- inside joke lol). I want what twitter can't offer.

You wonder why no one takes relationships serious...the sanctity of it all...kinda lost my train of thought......hold, please...................................

Actually, I'm gonna try something for the next day or so (I can't make any promises). That'll be my topic for my next post. I'm anxious to see how it'll turn out.
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I've seen her every night for the past month or so...until I wake up. And it's like she was never there to begin with. We communicate often, but never the way I'd like to hardly. She's quite the fox, in that, very elusive sense. Stealthy and uncaged. Boundless, possibly unattainable, but leaving paper-trails for me to find her. I just want to pick her brain...for a day at least if that's all I can afford...have her for myself to bombard her with question after comment after drawn-inference after conclusion...I imagine her being quite the clever and corny type lol. I imagine one day we could have a full-out conversation through eye contact alone and unconsciously processing our thoughts like downloading music to a hard-drive, translating our findings into masterpiece-worthy paintings, lyrics and timeless Bizet-esque scores of music written in & out of time. In a perfect world.

The ambiguous riddle.

#SHRUG.

Goodnight.

The Formula.

"After you have eaten something, you often get tired. That's because a lot of the blood in your head goes in your stomach to digest your food. and when you have less blood in your head, you get tired."

I been sayin it.

This might be my best post to date.

No, we are not related.

Zombie-like.

My eyes are burning.
I'm itching (my skin is dry from this cold air)...
Bags are forming.
I'm not tired, but...I average about 5-6 hours a night...

Part of that reason being because I am stubborn.
I'll look at the time and try to figure out ways to maximize my amount of sleep IF I decide to stay awake an extra hour or two, and sacrifice precious hours of sleep for late night TV (The Rachel Maddow Show, Countdown with Keith Olberman, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show...movies on AMC)...

...Bill Maher lol...
............whatever is onDemand (Dexter and Weeds mostly)...

I'm too fxckin tired for this shxt already.
Forgive me for my extended hiatus.
Work is good.
I can't complain.
But my eyes are trying to shut themselves...
I'm going to sleep.

The Other Side...(not to be taken too serious lol)

***WAIT WAIT WAIT DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!!***
Play the song down at the bottom of this post before you start to read, and then scroll back up to the line after this. Corny, I know but...just do it.











I can wait...









ok...




It must really suck to have been bitten by a zombie. Knowing you're about to die (if a real n!gga didn't murk you first) by turning into the undead is a bad way to go. Bones fractured and broken, whole chunks of old & dead fly-infested flesh fallin all off your body...no color in your eyes...no facial recognition...just an insatiable thirst for blood, by any means necessary.





But it's oh, so fascinating...don't you agree?



(The Walking Dead is my new favorite show)

That is all.

Self-inventory.

Hard to believe 2010 is almost 2011.
I still remember the first quarter of the year like they just happened...
How joyous, unpredictable and tumultuous those early months were...
How uneventful, disappointing and frustrating the summer was, overall.
Met some decent people, met a lot of snakes...found who really had my back...

It doesn't take much to see how loyal a hungry dog really is...
Needless to say, not everyone deserves to be a part of your future.

I kind of had this epiphany today while at work today, actually. Filling out new-hire paperwork...damn did that feel good to do...almost couldn't believe it. Kinda walked in my place of employment peeking around the corner like this was someone's idea of a sick joke.

Sidenote, I gotta chalk up my recent success to workin hard, stayin humble, and constantly talkin to God.

Had to eat a big slice of humble pie today at work too...my mind wandered on the past and I got to thinkin what kind of nerve some people have. People will spit in your face and then apologize.................I aint wit the sucka shit, and some bridges are better burned.

I wanted to really, really verbally ether *nameless* for quite some time now. Often times would find myself grinding my teeth thinking about it...I've daydreamed about it, fantasized about the opportunity in the most random of times during the day...this has been happening for like the past month and change, heavy.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT...........

You ever see someone get smacked in the face with a pie? And afterward, they're kind of just stuck there in disbelief like "damn how the hell did this happen" lol...well...

STOP HOLDING THAT THOUGHT...because that's how I felt today when I was getting those evil thoughts in my head. I am not exaggerating when I say evil. Perhaps a case of good conscience versus bad conscience...I just sat up in my chair and kind of realized that I am a lot better than the handful of people that decided to shit on me, and I am better for it.


I know it's killing them to see me shine. lol...
That's what happens when your goals and aspirations only get you down the street.

Please just try to understand...

I love food.
Anyone who knows me, knows this.
The fastest way (and easiest) to my heart is truly through my stomach.
In fact, as frugal as I am, I'll give up money and the shirt off of my back before I share my food with you. No hard feelings.
I am who I am.

However, as the saying goes, always more than one way to skin a cat.

The best way to skin that pussy (sorry for the visual), in my case...SPORTS.

I mean....................duh.

Guys that don't watch sports are uber-gay. IMO.
Guys who can't debate sports, I feel, are like members of the male species who also wear skinny jeans and lip rings...and those gay little mohawks...smdh.

To bond with a member of the opposite sex, on any level, takes time & effort...in some cases, just communicating with 'em and finding things out by asking the right questions helps also (although...best to do this with a FINE, fine-toothed comb). But honestly, and this is for you women...if you've got your clutches on your man and REEEEEEEALLY wanna have him in the palm of your hand...be a sports fan. If you're not familiar with sports, ladies...show effort to try an get familiar. You can even take it further and be loyal to ONE TEAM in MORE THAN ONE SPORT.


Example...a scenario...
The Bears-Cowboys game was a good game...a game I watched from kickoff to last whistle, with much disdain, hurt and sorrow. But I am loyal...I'm loyal. I support my team. If you're reading this and never knew that I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, please, exit stage left. No hard feelings.....................but yeah, we lost. We lost bad...and...*shrug*...we just looked awful. I'm never as sad or vulnerable as a person like when my team loses. My heart will hurt. I'll shake my fists at the TV when I see bad plays...my blood pressure rises...you wanna see me mad??! Let my team lose over some bullshit...at this point, this is when the lady-friend steps in with encouraging words, a nice big hug...a nudge on my chin...somethin...In fact, the worst thing you could do is just not care. Or not recognize when I am in a time of need and just...not doin anything. You don't need to know that much about sports to lend a helping hand.

In fact, lending a helping hand in all aspects, is always appreciated...

Now let me clarify...
If you are a fan of a rival team, and you just wanna gloat a lil bit, I can respect that. As much as I talk shit, I can take it. Oh yeah, this is a prerequisite, if you're a female and a fan of a team that I despise...I hate Seahawks fans who hate the Cowboys, just because. lol. that aint gangsta.

I think what I would enjoy more than knowing a female who is a fan of sports, is a female who shares in my pain an anguish when her team loses. Nothing quite like having a woman spit out facts of a team, have a debate about OTHER teams, and who is knowledgeable of the game. It's easy to be a fan...don't be a gump though, and not know shit about your team. Think about the make-up lovin' between you and a member of the opposite sex who liked another team you despised...yeah, I need that lol. Better yet...how's bout buns after a hard-fought game in which OUR team lost...yeah...that anger you get when you get skimped on your check when you KNOW you worked 50-hours the week before...put that frustration and channel that negative energy into throwin' dat ass back...

I'm deviating from my original topic, but im sure you feel me.

On the other side of the coin...if I'm droppin dimes on you about sports and you just gimme the :o| face...well, cue the Electric Relaxation track by the Tribe -- "But I couldn't drop dimes, cuz u couldn't relate...ya couldn't relate...ya couldn't r'late??!"


But the moral of this post is not being with a woman who is loyal to a specific team, or who can fake the funk and show meager interest in sports I like just to get by...quite frankly, it takes more than just LIKING sports anyway...

Forreal, just be loyal. Show me somethin that'll make me want to keep you around. Sports...favorite actor...favorite rapper...something....just go hard for whatever you care passionately about. If you're willing to put yourself through the good and bad for someone or something, be loyal to it or them. Be unwavering in your loyalty, in any case, and stand by it. I appreciate loyalty. I hate flakes...

Peace. Enjoy the tunes...

Skies of blue...and clouds.

That's right ladies & gents......................clouds. The beauty of ever-changing, constantly moving, free-roaming...clouds.

Now that I've sobered up, I can focus. Thank you, Dasani Water.

Now, close your eyes......relax......
INHALE...
and exhale...smell that? That, smell of stagnant and redundant nothingness that fills a room?

The world we live in. Correction, the world that I live in.

I live in a world where resilience is frowned upon.
I live in a world where integrity means nothing.
...where its better to spend, than it is to invest.
In a world where it's not what you can bring to the table, it's what you have to offer NOW.

Seriously though...how bold do you have to be to allow someone to pour out themselves to you, only for you to shit on 'em and conjure up a lame excuse as to why they did it? I guess we can add 'justifying bullshit' to that list as well.

I live in a world where sacrifice isn't enough.
I live in a world where free-thinkers are on the endangered species list.
I live in a world where it's ok to fake it until you make it...
I live in a world where the "Easy" button is easily accessible...
...and hard-work is uncommon an unappreciated.
I live in a world where foolish pride reigns!!!
Where it's ok to look down on someone in the same boat.
Where helping someone else get to where they wanna go is...pretty much outta the picture.
I live in a world where social status & acceptance is more important than your health.
I live in a world dictated by things and people we can't even touch.
Following the trend is the norm.
Being yourself is unpopular.
And having an educated opinion gets no airplay...in the grand scheme.
Personal gain trumps all...
And being genuine, albeit a gift, is a cursed downfall...



What a wonderful world.
Don't lose hope in it.
Peace.

THEcut...

The A-Listers...
The cream of MY crop...
The apples (and peaches) of my eye...
The hot sauce to my bucket of chicken...
Simply, my cup(s) of tea.

Well, this is my YES I WOULD SMASH THAT list. Very random. Very serious though. I'd beat the brakes off alotta celebs...but I'm not gonna state obvious names.

Hmmmmmm, let's see...

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ.
I saw Girlfight, simply because she was in it, whoopin' the dog-shit outta people she fought. I appreciate women rough around the edges. An she looks like she can go 12 rounds :)

KHLOE KARDASHIAN.
She thick. lol...look like she got some killa. A sleeper.


HELENA BONHAM CARTER.
The Dark Side of the Moon. I can't even put my finger on it. But she won me over when I saw her in Fight Club. Ahhh...yeah. Most definitely.


JILL SCOTT.
I'd beat the stuffin' outta this woman. She leaves me speechless.


This next one might catch yall off-guard...

Kelly Osbourne...
Frankly, I don't give two-shits how u feel about it. I'd jump dem bones quicker than you can spit.



I'll blog a more meaningful post tomorrow. BBM! Peeeeeeeeace. No music tonight!!

The THRILL of it...

I hope to open some eyes wit this one.

First off, anything you invest your time an effort in ought to have your best foot forward. I was always told as a kid to do whatever it is in life, whether its a job, a chore, a project, etc. like you were doing it to please God. Side note, I definitely had to tell myself that over the past few months...feels good to see the fruits of my labor...

At any rate, the same is said (or should be) for relationships. No one is perfect, myself included. In fact...................well...I've done some foul shit.

I cheated.
There. You have it. I have cheated. Not talkin bout sendin sex-texts and naked pics (I have NEVER sent a naked picture of myself to anyone), stuff a little more serious. But I mean......WHAT DRIVES YOU TO WANNA CHEAT?? If you can't relate, just read an observe. But if this applies to you, if you have cheated, get comfortable, and go down memory lane for a few minutes.

Did you get anything out of it that you wouldn't have in the relationship you were in at the time? Did you feel horrible about it? Maybe unaffected altogether an back to the reality of your relationship...

I can tell you my rationale behind all of my flings, but I'll focus on my college relationships...not trying to justify what I did, though. Let me be clear about that. It was wrong, and I know this. Hell, I knew it mid-stroke lol.

The first time I cheated on my gf and had sex with someone else was in 2007. The excitement an anticipation that you feel, it's like an adrenaline rush like none other. I was new to this...first off, I cheated simply because I wasn't able to see or have sex with who I was with on a consistent basis. I was here, she was there...and the pursuit of a member of the opposite sex in hopes for a 12-round cut session is something that for most men will never get old. Especially if she aint your girl, or you aint her dude. I this case, she wasn't my girl...but she was willing and able to play the role for a lil bit. I felt bad. I felt horrible. it was my first time cheating on someone I really cared about...all I kept thinkin about was the cutty though (she blew my socks off), and thus, the habit was formed.

The next time I cheated after that was the WORST I have ever done. The reasoning behind why I was doing it was kind of shallow, more of a cop out, but even more of a great opportunity to take advantage of. I mean, it was pretty much set up for me to cheat, and in the worst way. When I say I was holding all of the cards, I was in the same room, toe-to-toe almost with my GF at the time and my cut-buddy/sugar-mommy lol...and didn't blink. My cut-buddy knew her, obviously, but my GF didn't know who Jane Doe was, so on the inside, I was having a blast!! THE THRILL OF IT made it worthwhile. But yeah...............that was just the tip of the iceberg as to how bad it was. I was cheating with multiple women. It was set up for me because she thought I was cheating anyway (being an Alpha an all) and her insecurity about me & my surroundings helped to form her thoughts more & more around the idea of me cheating.

In that same situation, I was actually caught. I was cheating with her friend. THE THRILL...I mean, in an attempt to save myself in this story, I wasn't cheating before. I had no intentions on cheating on her, because I didn't wanna wake up one day and find out news that some guy was having recess in my GF's twat...but when she started stacking the chips against me, I just got tired of defending myself. That, and I knew I was cunning enough to wiggle my way through the cracks. I never got caught because of a fault of my own. I got caught ONLY because the girl who I got caught with, her roommate snitched. Make sense? Anywho...yeah...to this day she doesn't know a thing, other than what was already brought to her attention. I wont absolutely dive into all of the details of each separate time I cheated while in this particular relationship, just know it lasted about the last 9 months we were together.

The logic behind cheating, in my cases, went far beyond sex. I was getting that from my GF. It was the pursuit and the excitement of being pursued with the same intensity that a lion stalks its prey. I loved being hunted. I loved the hunt. A part of me still does...the single me lol...Nothing made me feel better than walking past a girl (or girls) who was/were trying to give me the goods, all the while knowing that I was in a relationship. Women with male mentalities are DANGEROUS. Had it not been for this gender-double-standard about a body count, I'd venture to say that a lot of women would be putting up body counts similar to professional athletes. Furthermore, the excitement and spark of the relationship was kind of dwindling. We weren't doing anything exciting (in our defense we were occupied in college), and I was heavily involved in campus life so I was always spread thin. The attraction was always there, but the desire to want to keep the relationship fresh was fading slowly...and she wasn't very mature, either. That was a blower, and major turnoff. I knew what kinds of women to pursue for sex, from a mental standpoint, and I sought those women out and got them on the same page as me. Took some time, but I was able to work my magic.

In fact, one of em just recently got engaged. My sugar-momma?? Yeah she got engaged. I mentioned that briefly in an earlier post...

------------------------------

I know I'm doing a big 360 with what I am about to say, but honestly, at the end of the day if you're going to commit yourself to a healthy, beneficial and long-lasting relationship, don't cheat. As much as I have cheated, I've been cheated on as well. And found out about it. It sucks. I don't have the heart to honestly explain myself to my lady in a situation like me having sex with another woman. Cheating is cheating, this is true, but the thought process and the carrying out the steps needed to cheat with sex in itself is cheating. I do have a heart. I have wised up over the years. Have I been tempted in all of my relationships to be faithful? Yes. Have I cheated in every relationship? NO. Cheating allowed me to use those women as a means to an end. Once the fun was over, it was back to reality. Back to my GF who's sleep and waiting on me...just repeating that and going back in the day thinking about it kind of makes me feel bad. I can't change it now, though. That was at a wild time in my life. However, no excuses. I did what I did and I stand by it. I will say this...9.9 times outta 10, I was provoked to cheat somehow, some way. If I had to justify me cheating, that's why I did it. All you need is a little push...once your mind has entertained the thought, it's half over already. My mind was conveniently located in my boxers when I wanted it to be, and where it needed to be when I was trying to cover my tracks.

As much as I did enjoy cheating (the sex involved), I can honestly say without blinking that I will not enter in another relationship if I still have urges to have sex with different people. What's the point? That's another topic in itself, but to put it briefly, I know me. I cheated, I was wrong, I was contrite, I've been boastful about it, and I have also been ashamed of it.

Thank God I've been able to be more focused on feeding my brain and pressing towards making my life better...don't judge me. You've cheated, too. Peace.

Build or Destroy.

"You either build or destroy...where you come from?"

Kind of in a blah mood today, as the time passes...blehhhh...I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm too simple of a man to have this much discontent with my life. Not to say I'm not thankful for anything (I am) but goof grief, if I woulda knew what I know now about post-undergrad life would be -- the bills, the responsibility, the sacrifice, etc -- well, I probably still would've went to college lol...College was more of the people I've been blessed to meet (for better or worse) than it was about studying, memorization and cheat sheets.

The ability to be patient is truly a gift.

I find myself in a very, almost eerily similar situation, and this, I don't like. I always find myself staring this down. I can't be being punished...maybe I'm missing the bigger picture...At any rate, this is just another reason why I'd much rather not be confined to the boundaries of a 9-to-5. If I wanna get up and go, that's exactly what I want to do. I WANT TO WORK FOR MYSELF. I'm 23...and I aint gettin younger. The past 365 days went by like a blur. That only confirms it. I need to make a move ASAP. August 31st isn't here yet, but it's around the corner. I just abhor waiting...but sometimes, that's the best thing you could do for yourself. I've got half a mind to just pack my car up and drive aimlessly. Too bad money doesn't grow on trees...how grand would that be...I refuse to let where I am dictate where I can go.

I just gotta make it down to Florida lol

And um, pray for me...I need this law school thing to pop.

As much as we all find ourselves complaining about where we are in our lives as far as a job, a car, living situation, etc...someone younger an older than us is dealing with life & death everyday. I assume none of my readers have to worry about when & where the next meal or shower is comin from, and if this is the case, then we should all assess where we are in life. It could always be worse.

Also...invest your time & effort in those people who do the same and more for you. Nothing worse than investing in someone and not seeing a return on that investment. What can be said about business, can also be applied to real life. Try it. Peace.

Gimme somethin to discuss in the next post...

Enjoy the music.

I don't know how to start this...

I'll let you in on a little secret...I have the hardest times trying to START my blog-posts. So hard that sometimes I just postpone a potential post for a rainy day and let NCAA '11 consume my free time. Yes, I've got to do better. I'm like 3 posts behind schedule.

Are you not entertained?? lol...

And yes, they all coordinate with each other...I'm sure you knew that, even while going through your drought.

One of my old flames got engaged today. Good for her. She tried her best to make an honest man outta me but, I just wasn't trying to hear it at the time. I was young, she was a college-grad. She was my summer sugar momma. If only she could've waited a month or two, I might have given a thought to slowin down but...too much, too soon. she faded away like the rest of em. happy for her though. We played doctor an everything. Even threw on the white-coat for me. Role-playing was her thing. she was dwight howard-esque...good times. lol.



A friend of mine & I went to go get some grub today. We had fun. Very subtle. Nothing that would've overstepped any boundaries, but I kind of knew what it was already hittin for...she likes me. Honestly, shes cool. Too young for me, but mature for her age. But that's always how people present themselves -- disciplined, contrite, logical, with experience, with common sense and couth...but when the rubber meets the road, do you really know what you're getting into when gettin in deep with a chick( or guy, ladies)? I found myself asking myself this question, more than once, in regard to my friend. i really wish I could level with her, but I know she'll take it the wrong way. maybe its not worth the trouble of trying to let get her to understand where I'm coming from, but I don't like feeling like i have to burn a bridge to get my point across. However, she is shooting herself in the foot and blowing over any chance she could have had...I can't do over-bearing females.
----

On another hand, I've found someone I like. I assure you, reader, that I am not full-steam ahead with my feelings, nor am I trying to pursue anything real serious right now..........................right now. We share a few jokes daily, we make each other laugh. A few smart comments here & there...we talk on certain topics often, we discuss others also. She's well-versed, fun-loving (all of which I am assuming, based merely off of conversation) and really has a lot going for her...

All of that said...I mean...having all of that is as hard as obtaining your Bachelor's, nowadays. Sounds harsh, but I've been fooled more than once...hate for her to have to be penalized for the things of my past but, I'm just the finished product of my experiences...I guess that's life. Nevertheless, she is fully aware of where I stand, and how i feel...we share similar goals. The interest to go further is definitely there. The will to pursue, however, isn't. My recent history in dealing with relationships has left me on the outside looking in, and truly for once I am going to just live my life the way i see fit. i believe that this only the beginning of a very good friendship, for starters, so I have no worries. Not really trying to see what she has to hide (if anything), just tryin to see what she's all about. I can do that and still have a genuine interest in us being cool...there's no party foul for that is there?

I just have business to tend to first. that's all. and that business has to do with spoiling myself *shrug* I deserve this shit. Be patient with me for a lil bit.






I had a lengthy discussion with one of my best friends this past week. Said she questions my taste in women and questions what I look for.....REALLY look for in a female. I can't blame her for thinkin that...it's not like I was proving her theory to be true over, and over, an over again -__________- ...
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Because of my sharp attention to detail within conversation and what's said...I find myself perplexed and kind of at my wit's end. I don't really know how to take the things I see before me, but I know how I want to be able to take what I read. I've been wrong before though, and I could very well be wrong now. the coincidences are almost too parallel. But I must also comment on how intrigued I am by a few things. However, one of the things that remains an enigma for me is like..............well, idk. I guess that's just it. cant seem to put a finger on how to say what's entirely on my mind. you know, you notice things. You see things that make you wonder 'what if' and 'why not' and try to make sense of it, but therein lies the riddle...



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I would just like to kick my feet up on my mahogany desk rockin my Jordan XIs, listenin to Sade and hit the bowl. I really don't ask much. I really need to be my own boss on some private jet shit, before retirement. As long as someone else is issuing my check to me, I'll never be a BOSS.

I can't live like that my whole life.
The song's for your listening pleasure...listen. It's the Dude...Peace.

My Appreciation

Hello world.

Didn't think I'd be away from this for the amount of time I was gone, but here I am.

Slight change of plans...............umm, maybe not Law School RIGHT, right away...but I'm gonna take the LSAT in December still, I promise.

Summer's almost over, and just to give a brief recap...it's been a roller-coaster. I saw my brother go off to the Naval Prep School, saw a relationship fizzle (I've played this game too many times. it goes back in the closet now), caught up with my cousin who was locked up, spoke to my half-brother who I haven't seen or talked to since I was like............6 or 7...rededicated my life to Christ (a work in progress obviously), LANDED A JOB, GOT A CAR, GOT A CRIB...feelin myself lol...made some new friends, met some great people along the way, and the silver lining of my darkest clouds are beginning to show.

I've cut friends off. I've had to humble myself. I let my pride get in the way of relationships with people I've known since middle school, I got played lol...I played myself...I FINALLY PAID OFF MY SUSPENDED LICENSE lol (ya boy was ridin dirty for like a year an some change...NOBODY knew that til now)

SIDE NOTE -- this curry shrimp was made with love.


I ended up playin NCAA '11 all night and not I'm too tired to finish. Welp!! I'll hit yall wit somethin tomorrow...enjoy the tunes.

This & that...a minute amount of a bigger picture.

My online record in NCAA '11 is a deplorable 9-16. I don't fucking get it. I am going to maim and abuse the shit outta my controller tomorrow and then dump it in the river.

I lied too.........this post will not be about the Dallas Cowboys, I've decided to hold off on that for a minute (post-game Sunday lol)

Truthfully, I have no idea where this particular post is going...but it's 4:18am, I'm wide awake, my meal at Waffle House was shot to bloody hell, and I lost my last 7 games in NCAA '11................

But I've been having a stellar BBM conversation throughout the night, so it balances out nicely. Very nice, actually. Good conversation > VA nightlife any day of the week.

Aside from that, lately I've been tryna get caught up to speed on my politics. World news. News nationwide. It's important to stay informed of what's going on around you. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, but you'd be surprised how many people are not informed on what's going on in the world and how it directly affects them.

Also, I've made my mind up as far as what I wanna do in the near future. Start this new job I landed (thank God) and passionately pursue law school. I mean like, 3-4 days a week studyin for 2-3 hours at a time, taking practice tests once/twice a week, the whole nine yards. Alotta people I've talked to who have the same aspirations as me, want it for the wrong reasons...nothing wrong with wanting money, riches, and the finer things, but I have a passion for law and the interpretation thereof (that line almost came out of my personal statement).

I'm gonna cut this short actually...still BBM'n. But not before I leave you with some tunes. Peace.

Disappointment...frustration...............and promise.

RELATIONSHIPS. This will probably be my longest post yet.

***THE TOPIC BEING BLOGGED IS COMPOSED OF MY OPINIONS BASED OFF OF MY OWN EXPERIENCES***

I'm apologize ahead of time...but I have been dodging and answering questions left & right in the arena of MY RELATIONSHIPS...so to keep everything objective, and to not put anyone else out, I'll just deal with me, and give my interpretations.

First off...I am a fan of relationships. HUGE fan. Nothing like jogging through a neighborhood and seeing a couple walking their dog. It gives me hope. I believe that a man (from a male heterosexual-male perspective)can seek & find happiness in anything he wants to find that joy in anywhere in the world, but only a woman (and by woman in this sense I mean friend, confidante, soul-mate, etc.) can do for a man what no friend, relative, pet or therapist could do on a good day for her man. Anyone who has known me the majority of the past 3-4 years knows that I have steady been in & out of relationships, the longest being 1 year.

(I swear.....................this is the last time I'm going down this road lol)

I am the type of person to blame myself for something before I blame someone else...in any situation. I know I can take it. I can bear the brunt of the worst situation in any relationship, because to me, its life. Shit happens, and I've dealt with far worse. I am not perfect. I do not have everything I want, but I have everything I need (you'll see where this comes into play later). In all of my relationships, I have exhausted all efforts (within my means) to the utmost...sacrificing my money, time, grades, my health, my job, friendships with good friends, my integrity, and a laundry list of other things. I don't expect to be given the world on a silver platter, but I do expect to get what I've given, as far as equal effort is concerned, in any case. Out of my last 4 relationships, I'd say I got that 2 out of 4 times. What can I say? No one's perfect. None of my ex's are bad, evil people. In fact, I am good friends with most of em. Some others I choose not to speak to...personal choice, nothing more or less. But with each breakup, I'm always left wondering..."what did/didnt I do to/for you (if anything) that made you want to part ways?" Instead of taking the "Why Me?" approach, I've decided to take a different look at each situation to see, to me, what the deal really was...and what I was able to conclude was ASTOUNDING...

Actually, it wasn't THAT astounding, the word "ASTOUNDING" in caps just sounds like money to me lol

I was able to find similarities in 3 out of my 4 past relationships, and in one way or another it boiled down to MONEY, being SPOILED, lack of mental capacity to maintain a level of maturity, and a lack of consideration. Now..............anyone who knows me, knows me, KNOWS I am an old soul. I can't help it. I like to hold on to all things original, simple and genuine. From the music I like, to the spots I like to hang out at, I lead a very conservative yet unpredictable life. I'm not a bore...it's not in my personality to be a boring person. But furthermore, I am old-school when it comes down to how to treat a lady. I won't get into the details, but I'm well-versed in that regard. Relationships to me are much like a job that I love to go to work for everyday (might as well be clocking in everyday I wake up in a relationship lol)...but I love the WORK of a relationship. Relationships aren't peaches & cream 24/7 and often times require thick skin, but at this point in the game, we should all know this.

All of that said, an all things considered...as stated earlier, I wanted to consider other factors that subsequently led to my breakups. After much thought, discussion and consideration, all roads led to roles in the relationship from a FINANCIAL and MENTAL standpoint. Feel me on this...

DISAPPOINTMENT.
I have a small theory about my peers (21-25 years old) that, I think, holds a bit of weight. Think about it............If you were to cut the radio on, turn on the TV and watch the majority of music videos, or follow closely the lives of adorned celebrities, there is one common denominator -- MONEY, and the ability to use & abuse it. Alas, whether I believe these overpaid, overrated celebs abuse their own money, they most certainly LIVE WITHIN THEIR OWN MEANS. I find often, not only in my experiences, but the situations of my peers, that more & more we are living outside of our means. Today's mainstream entertainers (music) make a killing off of rapping & singing about it being ok to spend tons of amounts of money on frivolous items and trinkets that depreciate in value, in hopes to make members of the opposite sex happy -- in this case, men spending that money on women. They sell their fans widely unfathomable dreams of success and wealth without including the middle-man of how to get to their status (which often involves drugs...right). When it comes to all of this, especially in today's society, I AM OLD SCHOOL. I do NOT believe in trickin, however I am a big supporter of coming up with different ways to show your affection & appreciation for who you're with. NEWSFLASH.....................that doesn't always have to include money lol. That said, I am not opposed to spending money on the lady in my life. But when it gets tot he point where you (the woman in this case) EXPECT certain things, just because of a relationship title, I'm gonna ask you to prove to me why you think you're obligated to have these things. In 2 of my 4 relationships, the breakup was over not being satisfied from a money standpoint and lack of effort. I had one of my ex's straight-up tell me that she liked another dude and wanted to fuck wit him over me, not because of he looked better or was a better gentleman, but simply because he had more money than me. I guess helping her with her own bills, feeding her, and sacrificing my own health, grades and my job wasn't enough. Go figure.

FRUSTRATION.
The other situation was interesting, and without divulging ALL of the details, basically, because I was told that I wasn't thoughtful enough (I guess) and didn't show to her that I appreciated her, and I was given the boot. Honestly, there isn't a point to elaborate on this too much because I'm not going to air my dirty laundry, in detail, on a public blog, and for respect for the individual. Our relationship was great, for the most part. But if you ask me my opinion, "lack of effort" was the sacrificial scapegoat in the grand-scheme of things. Sure, I could have done a few things different here & there, but lack of effort?? And in such short of time?? I mean...it was a couple of months. I beg to differ. In fact, the day she broke up with me, I bought her some very nice jewelry of her birthstone and had a trip to DC paid for to visit some museums...I was even gonna surprise her and celebrate later about a job I just got that day AND new car................but she broke up with me. lol. it was supposed to be a surprise, but not so much I guess. Funny how things work out. At this point though, it was probably best we were able to agree to disagree and go our separate ways. I've never had anyone question my effort in anything, which is another reason, of many, why I'm skeptical about her reasoning behind the break up. No hard feelings though. That's life...

THE PROMISE...HOPE.
I have come to the conclusion, considering my own experiences, that I am not equipped to fully support a relationship. In my past relationships, I have done things that I wouldn't want done to me...I've cheated HORRIBLY, at times I'd just shut myself off for a few hours (which can feel like an eternity for the other person), an I too, was inconsiderate. It's not that I don't want to settle down, now just isn't the time for me to be doing that. Acting off of feelings alone for a person at this point, for me, would be premature and pointless. I wanna do my own thing. I don't wanna share because the relationships says I have to, I don't wanna answer to anyone else, and more than anything, I am not satisfied with where I am at this point in my life. I wanna go to law school, I still (and will) plan on joining the military, and honestly, I just want to go as I please. I am a good judge of character, and I am in no rush to seek & find my partner. It all goes well, we'll both simultaneously come to the conclusion that we can't stand to be without each other, and we will grind through the ups & downs to make it work under any circumstances. That's a ways down the road, if you ask me. But when the time is right for me to settle down, I'll be more than ready & willing, and she will have no room for complaints.


Until then...................pass that dutch and enjoy the tunes, fool.

*_* !!!

Just wanna thank a few people who've inspired this...

- Redman
- Ann E. Nigma (clever...)
- D. Bonnie...
You've created a monster, and don't even know it.

aaaaand, yeah. lol. pretty short list.

I'll be plugging into this blog with the random-est of random...

The header of my blog was inspired by the movie, "The Wackness". Check it out.

Order your car service and chiiiiiiiill...