The THRILL of it...

I hope to open some eyes wit this one.

First off, anything you invest your time an effort in ought to have your best foot forward. I was always told as a kid to do whatever it is in life, whether its a job, a chore, a project, etc. like you were doing it to please God. Side note, I definitely had to tell myself that over the past few months...feels good to see the fruits of my labor...

At any rate, the same is said (or should be) for relationships. No one is perfect, myself included. In fact...................well...I've done some foul shit.

I cheated.
There. You have it. I have cheated. Not talkin bout sendin sex-texts and naked pics (I have NEVER sent a naked picture of myself to anyone), stuff a little more serious. But I mean......WHAT DRIVES YOU TO WANNA CHEAT?? If you can't relate, just read an observe. But if this applies to you, if you have cheated, get comfortable, and go down memory lane for a few minutes.

Did you get anything out of it that you wouldn't have in the relationship you were in at the time? Did you feel horrible about it? Maybe unaffected altogether an back to the reality of your relationship...

I can tell you my rationale behind all of my flings, but I'll focus on my college relationships...not trying to justify what I did, though. Let me be clear about that. It was wrong, and I know this. Hell, I knew it mid-stroke lol.

The first time I cheated on my gf and had sex with someone else was in 2007. The excitement an anticipation that you feel, it's like an adrenaline rush like none other. I was new to this...first off, I cheated simply because I wasn't able to see or have sex with who I was with on a consistent basis. I was here, she was there...and the pursuit of a member of the opposite sex in hopes for a 12-round cut session is something that for most men will never get old. Especially if she aint your girl, or you aint her dude. I this case, she wasn't my girl...but she was willing and able to play the role for a lil bit. I felt bad. I felt horrible. it was my first time cheating on someone I really cared about...all I kept thinkin about was the cutty though (she blew my socks off), and thus, the habit was formed.

The next time I cheated after that was the WORST I have ever done. The reasoning behind why I was doing it was kind of shallow, more of a cop out, but even more of a great opportunity to take advantage of. I mean, it was pretty much set up for me to cheat, and in the worst way. When I say I was holding all of the cards, I was in the same room, toe-to-toe almost with my GF at the time and my cut-buddy/sugar-mommy lol...and didn't blink. My cut-buddy knew her, obviously, but my GF didn't know who Jane Doe was, so on the inside, I was having a blast!! THE THRILL OF IT made it worthwhile. But yeah...............that was just the tip of the iceberg as to how bad it was. I was cheating with multiple women. It was set up for me because she thought I was cheating anyway (being an Alpha an all) and her insecurity about me & my surroundings helped to form her thoughts more & more around the idea of me cheating.

In that same situation, I was actually caught. I was cheating with her friend. THE THRILL...I mean, in an attempt to save myself in this story, I wasn't cheating before. I had no intentions on cheating on her, because I didn't wanna wake up one day and find out news that some guy was having recess in my GF's twat...but when she started stacking the chips against me, I just got tired of defending myself. That, and I knew I was cunning enough to wiggle my way through the cracks. I never got caught because of a fault of my own. I got caught ONLY because the girl who I got caught with, her roommate snitched. Make sense? Anywho...yeah...to this day she doesn't know a thing, other than what was already brought to her attention. I wont absolutely dive into all of the details of each separate time I cheated while in this particular relationship, just know it lasted about the last 9 months we were together.

The logic behind cheating, in my cases, went far beyond sex. I was getting that from my GF. It was the pursuit and the excitement of being pursued with the same intensity that a lion stalks its prey. I loved being hunted. I loved the hunt. A part of me still does...the single me lol...Nothing made me feel better than walking past a girl (or girls) who was/were trying to give me the goods, all the while knowing that I was in a relationship. Women with male mentalities are DANGEROUS. Had it not been for this gender-double-standard about a body count, I'd venture to say that a lot of women would be putting up body counts similar to professional athletes. Furthermore, the excitement and spark of the relationship was kind of dwindling. We weren't doing anything exciting (in our defense we were occupied in college), and I was heavily involved in campus life so I was always spread thin. The attraction was always there, but the desire to want to keep the relationship fresh was fading slowly...and she wasn't very mature, either. That was a blower, and major turnoff. I knew what kinds of women to pursue for sex, from a mental standpoint, and I sought those women out and got them on the same page as me. Took some time, but I was able to work my magic.

In fact, one of em just recently got engaged. My sugar-momma?? Yeah she got engaged. I mentioned that briefly in an earlier post...

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I know I'm doing a big 360 with what I am about to say, but honestly, at the end of the day if you're going to commit yourself to a healthy, beneficial and long-lasting relationship, don't cheat. As much as I have cheated, I've been cheated on as well. And found out about it. It sucks. I don't have the heart to honestly explain myself to my lady in a situation like me having sex with another woman. Cheating is cheating, this is true, but the thought process and the carrying out the steps needed to cheat with sex in itself is cheating. I do have a heart. I have wised up over the years. Have I been tempted in all of my relationships to be faithful? Yes. Have I cheated in every relationship? NO. Cheating allowed me to use those women as a means to an end. Once the fun was over, it was back to reality. Back to my GF who's sleep and waiting on me...just repeating that and going back in the day thinking about it kind of makes me feel bad. I can't change it now, though. That was at a wild time in my life. However, no excuses. I did what I did and I stand by it. I will say this...9.9 times outta 10, I was provoked to cheat somehow, some way. If I had to justify me cheating, that's why I did it. All you need is a little push...once your mind has entertained the thought, it's half over already. My mind was conveniently located in my boxers when I wanted it to be, and where it needed to be when I was trying to cover my tracks.

As much as I did enjoy cheating (the sex involved), I can honestly say without blinking that I will not enter in another relationship if I still have urges to have sex with different people. What's the point? That's another topic in itself, but to put it briefly, I know me. I cheated, I was wrong, I was contrite, I've been boastful about it, and I have also been ashamed of it.

Thank God I've been able to be more focused on feeding my brain and pressing towards making my life better...don't judge me. You've cheated, too. Peace.