On Edge

"But why you all washing watch him He gone make it into a Benz out of that Datsun He got that ambition, baby, look in his eyes This week he mopping floors next week it's the fries" The realization hit me and it's been a constant needle-jab in my arm ever since. First off, I am a huge Kanye fan. His rise to the entertainment plateau has been a journey I have thoroughly enjoyed. While the barbs he continues to shoot at the majority of his fanbase continues to reverberate and bounce off the walls of my skull like a game of ping pong (Re: skits on College Dropout, Late Registration, countless lyrics and songs), I am able to see the humor in my own pain and suffering. You see, I have hit an unbreakable wall and over the last few months I have come to the paralyzing realization that not only is my life being unfairly wagered for the appeasement of people whom I'll never meet (CEOs and such), my life is steadily passing by. Just yesterday (in m mind of course), I was 23 years old; wet behind the ears, thirsty for independence and eager for whatever corporate America had to offer. Fast forward 24 hours and a bowl of couscous later and here I am...28...28 and trying to find a way out of the cycle. They say if you have talent that you should pursue it...and in my mind, I'm a musician, a decent writer, an avid thespian and recently retired athlete who still enjoys a good rec center run to 16 by 1s and 2s. However, what pays my bills is an occupation that forces me to act outside of my personality and completely opposite of every bit of dignity I stand for; I kiss ass, I put on fronts for people I wouldn't share a pencil with and I form these fake relationships with people in the name of a dollar that goes to the bottomline of a COO in Philadelphia that spends his time tracking my hotel and the rest of his properties from an iPad. Dont get me wrong, I admire the climb-to-the-top scenario just as much as any other red-blooded, blue-collared American, but I am finding out that the path to this freedom is growing more and more unattainable. Studies have shown that if you work full-time and earn less than $80K annually then you are a part of the shrinking middle-class, which in itself has several residual affects: budgeting for the essentials, opting to wait for pay day to go out on a date versus being responsible and making it a netflix & tuna night, shopping for seasonal & trendy attire or settling for the clearance rack in Gap & Old Navy...I mean, unless you've been humbled and your pride doesn't haunt you to know that you cannot comfortably enjoy the luxury of financial and social freedom, you're probably content with this and able to see the bigger picture. Well, I for one can see it clearly, but that doesn't mean I am content and satisfied with the present day. I come from a hardworking, 9-to-5, church-going background and I see nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that it creates a life routine that I am unwilling to submit to this early in my life. Routines...the gerbil wheels that never stops spinning...it all sends chills down my spine. Conformity is prison. I'm blowing big smoke though...as we speak, i just applied to an internship with the Houston Texans and Rockets and received word of an application I submitted over the weekend that is being reviewed...It's not that I don't like to work, but if I have to trad 40+ hours a week of my life for a dollar, I want to enjoy the work I am doing and this, I am unwilling to compromise. I appreciate meaningful work even if it means sacrificing temporary financial gain, especially if it means i can effectively network and gain experience that I can directly and immediately apply across a myriad of occupations...but work for the sake of maintaining the current status quo is slowly driving me mad. I just want my time and the freedom that comes with it.